For better days!

Sending Postcards From A Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here).

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why isn't notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class? I'll tell you why: because paper can't beat anybody; a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver

By the time you read this you've already read it

The funniest thing about this message is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything you its too late for you to stop reading it you dumb fuck

Bullshit: the art of making the idiotic sound sensible

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much. You're not that good

Get plenty of sleep. Be kind to your mind. You'll miss it when it's gone

Assassins Inc. We aim to please

We're all given some sort of skill in life. Mine just happens to be beating up on people

My parents almost lost me as a child, but they didn't take me far enough into the woods

Every one has a list of problems and issues. But I am #1 on everyone's list.

My parents almost lost me as a child, but they didn't take me far enough into the woods

I never admit or deny anything it makes me more interesting

If worms had guns, birds wouldn't mess with them

Before you insult somebody you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you insult them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy, take two

I'm smiling. This should scare you.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

I'm not sure what's wrong... But it's probably your fault!

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Basic research is what I'm doing, when I don't know what I'm doing.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think what I think I'm thinking then we've got a problem?

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Sometimes I just sit and think, and sometimes I just sit

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

The universe is laughing behind your back.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time